Adventures in Purgatory

No really

2009-07-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

Today I saw for the first time, in life, a man sporting a full-on Hitler mustache.

Bold, sir. Bold.

Okay, now this can't just be me...

2008-09-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

So please, tell me.

Does anybody else find it profoundly disturbing that we now have nationalized investment insurance while health insurance is still largely in the private sector?

Is it just really, really weird?

I don't want to think that I'm the only one.

I know they have to have a narrative and all...

2008-08-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

Because of course the news needs a basic, easy-to-follow story arc, as it tracks events in the world, without adjusting. But why has no commentator pointed out the simple fact that this is the Democratic Party?

For Democrats, this is unity.

Uniter, Not a Divider

2008-08-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately he's only succeeded at uniting much of the world in laughing through our tears. Metaphorically, of course.

And now... LOLBush. And not from some guy, but rather... the Guardian. Okay, some guy at the Guardian, but even so.

Laffinstok, yu iz doin it rite.

Oy.

Anybody else remember when Thom Yorke wasn't so good live?

2008-04-30T00:37:00.000-07:00

Rather different now. The ever-shimmy went rhythmic, and his voice is impressively precise.

Right then, haven't written since, what, October of 2007? It has been a while. Not that I have nothing to show for it, and maybe I'll even get into some of that. If I can manage to put some things down here, that is, and keep in touch in this little way. We'll see.

The following is not just a weak excuse to say hi, but also one of my favorite tracks on In Rainbows. Check out the accumulation of sounds as the song goes on, a lovely background eats foreground thing.

I did some tiny amount research into climate change public policy last winter, and one point I liked was Radiohead's public stance in their efforts to reduce carbon emissions. What's more impressive is that their primary focus is on their own behavior, and for those paying attention they're not trying to dumb things down. For example, here's information from a commissioned study of the carbon impact of a Radiohead tour, which includes a link to the whole report.

"A Fair(y) Use Tale"

2007-10-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

This came up in an interview yesterday. Really.

Long video, but it took about 4 weeks for all of this to be covered in class last spring. Though that was in more detail, in fairness (ahem).

Not just cogent, but quite accurate...

Thank you, Lawrence Lessig, and what I assume to be a mass of undergrads.

Word of the Day

2007-10-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Eleemosynary

(adjective)
1. Of or pertaining to alms, charity, or charitable donations; charitable.
2. Derived from or provided by charity.
3. Dependent on or supported by charity: an eleemosynary educational institution.

Neat.

And I know, it's been a while. It'll be a while longer, terribly busy. As are we all, I suppose. And yet. There's all this stuff, you see.

Respect for a Con

2007-09-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

I came across this item while doing research yesterday.

Of course this guy deserves punitive measures, but at the same time I have to appreciate his innovation in taking advantage of stupid people.

Defining an Expression

2007-07-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

I wish to propose the following:

"As large as sin" = The range of spatial displacement determined by the sequence of {Hummer > H2 > H3 > Lincoln Navigator}. Anything smaller than a Lincoln Navigator may be evaluated for appropriate inclusion on a context-sensitive individual basis.

Least accurate. fortune cookies. ever.

2007-06-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

We all know I'm in the middle of studying for exams, right? Right.

So, the two fortunes that came with yesterday's take-out were:

"You will do good works and not need money."
"Leave your cares, have a good time."

Har. Har. Har.

The cookies are toying with me. And yes, I ate both of them. Spitefully.

Slide with confidence, young sir

2007-05-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

Figures that this story would zip across my personal radar within a few hours of finishing my copyright exam. I now know exactly which Title 17 subsections I'd pull up to shield Google from the litigious monster that is... the creator of the electric slide.

Three remaining.

What it takes to make Michael Stipe smile

2007-05-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

Muppets, apparently. Following comments on the prior post, I am compelled to share this. And why not, smile that is.

(The muppet stand-in for Kate Pierson cracks me up, along with the fact that she lip-syncs better than Mike Mills.)

Saturday Flotsam

2007-05-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Something I've been wondering about criminal law: If the accused claims at trial that his dog told to him do it, is that the same as pleading yzarc?

And as for what is scary: This is scary. You'll want to enlarge the second picture.

3 Syndromes of Spider-Man 3

2007-05-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry if there are spoilers here, if you're sensitive to that kind of thing.

Death of Superman/Doomsday Syndrome -- (from comics) Need a specific villain in a hurry? Have one pop out of the Earth or fall from the sky. 20 feet away, say, in a park. Explanations are for tossers.

Superman III Syndrome -- (from the movie, comics versions are too numerous to mention) Irrational belief that any plot where the good guy goes evil is self-justifying. (Questionable at best.)

Batman & Robin Syndrome -- (from the movie) In place of a coherent plot, fill the movie with bad guys, good guys, minor players, any characters that come from the comics you can find a place for; more can only be better. (There are two corollaries: (a) If the costume has plastic exterior nipples, leave. Leave now. And (b) any Joel Schumacher movie is near-guaranteed to suck.)

Spider-Man 3 has an off-chance of inspiring its own syndrome, one where the good guy goes bad plot culminates with vengeful jazz dancing, but applications appear limited.

How should I feel about this?

2007-05-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

Beware the Canadian nanotech spy coin!

My reaction is bifurcated. On one hand, I feel reassured that U.S. defense is just that vigilant (read: paranoid). On the other hand, I feel ashamed that U.S. currency is so far behind the rest of the world that something like color is strange... and confusing... to us. We don't understand this peculiar quarter -- might it be from another world?

Any article that so effortlessly includes numismatist gets props in my book.

A Morning Commute Note

2007-05-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

The best thing about the Buick was not the fact that the wooden plank crudely bolted in place of a rear bumper was too wide, protruding noticeably on either side. The best thing was the fact that a license plate was screwed into the wooden plank, perfectly centered.

I admit this point is debatable. That the Buick had that extra bit of sporty lift and rims may reasonably be viewed as remarkable.

Reality Beats Down Dan Brown

2007-05-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

This is just neat.

(Thanks to this individual for the link.)

Responses, or: An especially poor excuse for a post

2007-04-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

And then I thought, hell, it's not like I ever blog. I'll just reply to the previous post's comments in a new post. How sad. And yet:

to Adam875 -- I like the idea of standing on the front stoop yelling, "Beer! Come back! I'm sorry, we'll never fight again!" Having a beer garden across the street makes this image work particularly well. Plus, Chicago's a friendly enough town that somebody might just bring over a bottle. Bless them if they did. In my imagination.

to Moth -- Interesting that that would be the first kind of punishment you think of. However... I am happily back to reading and briefing cases, with a goal of catching up in one class every day. I've been close to on track so far, which is reassuring. Lots to do; I was up at 3 am last night reading copyright statutes. But is that gainful punishment? It's a pretty good set of codes.

Progress is...

2007-04-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

...rather than pulling an all-nighter the night before a big paper's due, pulling an all-nighter the night before the night before.

But what did I have the next morning? I wouldn't call it a lump of coal to be edited into a diamond; it was more like a pile of dung to be wrapped in tin foil.

And so, progress is not... Pulling an another all-nighter the following night and still handing in the damn thing late.

Which I'm fine with. Somehow I still feel better than I than I did about the previous writing assignment. My biggest regrets are missing lunch with a professor and losing any high ground I had to complain about the assignment itself, which I considered a disaster (outside of my performance).

The past week has been punishment with little or no reward, made more frustrating by the fact that there's perfectly gainful punishment that had to be put on hold.

Assorted notes from the past few days:

Weekend listening focused on...
Modest Mouse, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
Louis Sclavis, L'imparfait des langues
David Torn, Prezens

(All are awesome.)

I'm reasonably certain that community aspects of struggling through this train wreck of a project will ultimately be more valuable than the writing experience.

Okay, the research experience was worthwhile too.

Around 10 pm Sunday I had cause to think, "Brief 1, me 0, silverfish -1." Even if I yelped when the bug came at me.

I have fallen far and quickly down the coffee rabbit hole. A year ago I despised it. Now it's a companion, and I don't need half & half. Next up, no sugar.

Floyd has been my furry little study buddy. He snores.

I miss beer. Oh G-d how I miss beer.

Happy birthday to my brother, who doesn't read this blog.

Organized thoughts on mixtapes 2

2007-04-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

My friend has since claimed that "blogs are the new mixtapes."

I think he's very likely right about this.

A complaint

2007-04-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

Where is April? What has Chicago done with April?

This annual slow crawl out of winter is the worst season in this town, which is otherwise rockin'.

Need synonyms for "wholly unnecessary"

2007-04-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

Or possibly a new word, for when actions pass redundant and incorporate an insulting self-indulgence. Insulting to the rest of us, that is. Or for when those actions waste magnetic tape.

Clearly, the world does not need this remake.

(With a far better title, link found here.)

Organized thoughts on mixtapes

2007-04-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

This post by Adam875 (who is a friend in life, not just in internet) got me thinking about mixtapes, the death of the album, etc. Not that I'm experiencing these personally, but I'll take a few minutes to think about music given the opportunity.

Adam875 wrote about interactions with music and whether mixtapes still have a place. My thoughts follow:

A. Mixtapes may be a life-phase activity, where it's not so much the case that technology has outmoded them as we've simply outgrown the thing. This could be based on...

1. How music was regarded and/or used at that age in a this-sequence-of-songs-represents-WHO-I-AM-and-not-you sense, a means of self-identification. (or)

2. How we interacted with friends back in the day. Music as a social activity. Did you make mix tapes for yourself, others, or for yourself with the intent to distribute copies to others? (My recollection is of mix-tapes as a social thing. In High Fidelity the perfect mix-tape was for a girl.) If you were to make a mix-tape now, who would it be for?

3. Ways to look at this: Ask people older than us (maybe 40 or 45 or 50) whether they made or listened to mix-tapes when they were 10, 12, 15, 17, 20, 25, 30, 35 (depending on their age and state of technology). Alternately, see B(1).

B. If there is that impulse at a certain age, is it really defeated by iTunes and mp3 players? At first pass, seems doubtful. What do the kids do today? Alternately, is there a way that this is helped by new technology?

1. Playlists are swappable, shareable, publishable online. How is this used, and by who? Do high school / college students send each other playlists, or allow access to each others' iTunes libraries if they're on the same network? (I've noticed that people at school don't have their iTunes libraries buttoned down. It's creepy. What's the default setting for that?) [I've since figured out iTunes is open by default. Fix it if you're inclined to, people!]

2. Further, is the interaction enhanced or defeated by iTunes? If shared: Do kids not listen to each others' playlists because they already have 53 Gb of their own music in the same place? Do they listen because there's social value in it? Do they half-listen and skip anything that sounds boring after 5 seconds (because it's not a matter of mechanical fast forwarding, it's just a push of a putton that may
already be at hand)?

3. Ways to look at this: Ask the kids. Or ask Apple -- I bet they have amazing data on this.

C. If it's a behavior that's outgrown, what does that say about us? About how we relate to ourselves or others when we're younger, and how that changes over time?

Of course, I'm not a mixtape person, so I'm not sure about any of these.

What's Undone

2007-04-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

I just realized haven't shaved in a week, nor have I tied my shoes in the past two days.

Reasons to worry?

Times like these...

2007-03-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

When I'm especially stressed and it leaks... I dream about not being able to play the clarinet (or bass clarinet, or both). I've had two of these in the past two nights.

They're awful, I wake up. Afterwards I can't fall back to sleep or shake the feeling that something was taken from me or, possibly worse, lost.

I mention this here because putting this into the world (in whatever bloggy, tragic way I am) helps me realize they were just dreams, or stress.

So, any other tellingly recurring stress dreams out there? I can't be the only one. Please don't say naked in high school -- it's been done, and anyway you're probably just a latent exhibitionist.

Two Observations

2007-03-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

‘The Spirit of Strom Thurmond’ is the wrong plane to send on a diplomatic mission to majority non-white countries.

I envision the following dialogue:
Point: “But Strom Thurmond was a segregationist. He hated black people, not people from the Middle East.”
Counterpoint: “Wow, you guys suck at diplomacy something awful, don’t you?”

Al Gore should not run for president because he’s fat.

And he’s not even that fat. However, since the man won an Oscar, all I’ve heard is how fat he is. Global warming would be more on point, considering the win, but no. Al Gore’s fat, a fatty, cummerbund popping lardo, etc. Just the one thing, similar to when the one thing was that he exaggerates, and nobody could get away from that single descriptor. As long as media can fixate on only one thing about Gore, and as long as that thing isn’t the at least equally accurate technologically savvy, scientifically literate forward thinker who believes in cooperative solutions to large-scale problems, he’ll do more good outside of presidential politics.

Dedication

2007-02-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

Here's what I love about Canadians -- they can take a hit. Well, no, that's a cheap joke, and now I am ashamed.

You just have to admire this guy. Apparently there's a documentary about him, and someday I will watch this documentary.

(Work safe, but it does have sound. Also, if you're as juvenile as I so clearly am, you may laugh.)

(Cheers to this blog for posting it amid general silliness.)

Friday Observation (One day delayed)

2007-02-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

There's something immensely off-putting about wearing both a suit and a backpack.

Found Talking

2007-02-06T19:50:00.000-08:00

Overheard the following exchange a while ago:

Cashier: "Okay, Mr. Green, I'll do it your way."
Mr. Green: "It's not my way; it's the Walgreens way."
Cashier: "Okay, Mr. Green, I'll do it the Walgreens way."
...
Cashier: (forced laughter)

I don't know what she was doing, but my guess is the Walgreens way is really, really, really slow...ly. Or that's the Walgreens way I've always experienced, consistent over at least three states thus far.

More Optimism

2007-01-30T11:27:00.000-08:00

I heard this on the radio yesterday and laughed out loud.

(Pulling the text from this post on Salon.com's War Room.)

George W. Bush on whether there's a disconnect between the president's newfound tough talk on Iraq and Dick Cheney's claim that the United States has had "enormous success" there: "Oh I don't think so; I think the V.P. is a person expressing a half-glass-full mentality. And that is, he's been able to look at -- as have I and I hope other Americans have -- the fact that the tyrant was removed, 12 million people voted and an Iraqi constitution is in place that is a model for -- and is unique for -- the Middle East."

---
I like the quote because Cheney seems like such a half-glass-full kind of guy. I bet he was at least half a glass full when he shot that lawyer in the face.

Optimism

2007-01-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

That last post was on the pessimistic side. This time I'll try to help out.

The executive summary of the AEI proposal includes a note that, "The president must issue a personal call for young Americans to volunteer to fight in the decisive conflict of this generation."

This is probably because the U.S. is running out of, you know, armed services. Also from the AEI summary: "The ground forces must accept longer tours for several years. National Guard units will have to accept increased deployments during this period. ... Equipment shortages must be overcome by transferring equipment from non-deploying active-duty, National Guard, and reserve units to those about to deploy. Military industry must be mobilized to provide replacement equipment sets urgently."

As a country we haven't been asked to change our lifestyle one bit yet, except maybe for longer lines at airports, so we should all know that a call for enlistment just won't happening. As such, a more creative solution to generate military personnel is needed.

Here's an alternate source of additional troops -- prisons. There are approximately 2 million people currently incarcerated in the U.S., and what are they doing? Nothing, that's what.

A prison recruitment program could start small, presenting an early release option to individuals incarcerated for non-violent minor drug offenses. I'm completely certain the Army would be in favor of this, and that no poor result is possible from training and arming a population of one-time drug users and convicts. Just like how there's no downside to older recruits, high school drop-outs, a larger percentage of individuals scoring in the lowest range for intelligence on Army aptitude tests, or any poorly chosen population based on slipping standards.

We're so winning this thing.

Yeah, I guess the Surge is playing tonight...?

2007-01-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

As I read and listen to the news... Here's something I've been thinking about lately.

The Bush administration seems to care less about policies than names. As long as they have a good name for whatever they want to do, they don't seem to worry too much about the underlying policy, planning, or logistics required. (Examples: Operation Iraqi Freedom, Clear Skies Initiative, No Child Left Behind, Medicare Modernization Act.) Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves, though my theory is that they're either simply better at political marketing than governing or there's some fundamental confusion which substitutes one for the other. A more sinister possibility is that actual policy goals aren't publicly discussed.

The not-quite-yet-proposed new Iraq policy has so far been referred to as... "The Surge." The president is considering a surge, future plans in Iraq may consist of a surge of troops, troop levels may be increased to allow for a surge, etc. You know, you've heard it too.

Here's what strikes me about the surge: It's not even a good name.

It sounds like a bad high school garage band.

It sounds like an American pro soccer team.

Catchy, sure, maybe a bit. But that's mostly from simplicity, as it's basically one word. Descriptive? Informative? Hardly at all. Usual incorporation of goals or an obvious good is plainly missing. So what does this mean? Technically, as it hasn't been announced by the president, it may be that the official policy name hasn't been put forward. (This AEI press release gives a model for renaming -- or rebranding -- with "Choosing Victory" as a title and "surge" in the text.) But since just "surge" has been floating around for so long, I think it's going to stick as the policy referent, and the administration should realize this too.

I'd like to think that the poor name choice means that more consideration went into exactly what's going to be done, how it's going to be handled, where the additional troops will come from. But to be as cynical as usual, I'd say it's more likely that this is a sign of how things will be with what I'll call "The Bush White House: The Lame Duck Years."

They've just stopped trying.

Welcome to 2007, America

2007-01-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Prepare for a weird year.

Really, who thought this was a good idea?

Capsule Review: "Casino Royale"

2006-12-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

The credits rolled, and I turned to the wife and said:

"As your first James Bond film, this was likely the best one. I loved it; I felt like I was 12 again. While you probably felt like you were trapped in the mind of a 12 year old boy for long stretches of time."

She nodded and said, "Yeah."

Cause I need a time-waster?

2006-12-16T05:47:00.000-08:00

Here's something I churned out a bit ago and forgot to actually post. It's appealingly juvenile.

Meme.

The rules are: Take the last 10 songs that your itunes/ipod/whatever randomly played and add "in my pants" to the end of the title. (From my buddy Bobby.)

The last 10 things in my pants:

1. "They All Change in my pants" (774th Street Quartet)
2. "What Comes Before in my pants" (Ben Goldberg / John Schott / Michael Sarin)
3. "Six Pianos in my pants" (Steve Reich)
4. "Le Sacrifice - Introduction in my pants" (Igor Stravinsky, from Le Sacre du Printemps)
5. "MX Missiles in my pants" (Andrew Bird)
6. "Let's Cool One in my pants" (Steve Lacy)
7. "Dead Man in my pants" (John Zorn)
8. "The Migratory Bird in my pants" (Bobby Previte)
9. "29 Miles of Black Snow in my pants" (Ken Vandermark)
10. "I Think I Need a New Heart in my pants" (The Magnetic Fields)

Wherein I make an aphorism (possibly)...

2006-12-04T16:16:00.000-08:00

Optimism is a failure of imagination.

(Am I the first one to say this, or is my brain spitting something up from somewhere else? I think it might be vaguely original, but it seems too obvious for that to be the case.)

Consumed with studying at present, more in a week or so.

Speaking of Politics...

2006-11-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

This is far, far better than I would have expected -- check out a set of political leanings of superheroes. As far as I can tell, he gets the characters and political leanings both right, er, correct. Neat and insightful?

(The link's from Popwatch, after the wife directed me there for something else today.)

A Quick Cheap Shot

2006-11-09T19:04:00.000-08:00

With election results now in, I'm tempted to ask if Karl Rove is going to get a new nickname. But if you're already called "Turd Blossom," well, where does one go from there?

Now that nickname seems to ask whether credit for all this should go to Turd Blossom himself or to the guy who kept somebody called Turd Blossom on the payroll (even if he did give the nickname himself). I'd like to think they could share, but I'm guessing they're not going to be very good at that.

I'm very, very happy, of course, and not in any partisan way. Just as somebody who believes that incompetence should go unrewarded.

Burdened immortal can't reach the end

2006-11-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

I've only read two of Hemingway's novels. I thought one was thoroughly remarkable and the other excellent but inevitably overrated. (They were The Old Man and the Sea and For Whom the Bell Tolls -- guess which was which?)

Recently I've been fascinated by this wrenching story in miniature by Papa. (And who called him Papa and why? Does anybody know?)

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

As well as this Wired collection of six word stories by other (mostly genre) writers. I really like the variety, suggestiveness, humor... Obvious point, but words are kind of fantastic in the gulf between what they are and how much they present.

My own slight attempt is above. I stayed with the speculative ficton idea, and it probably lands in the better-sentence-than-story category. Though if I keep thinking about this, more might follow.

Also, since this post mentions Hemingway, here's my favorite bit of trivia on the man: He was a fan of polydactyl cats and continues to support a population of them in Key West.

Quote of the Day

2006-10-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Is it a cop-out of a post? Yes. But in addition, these are (a) easy, and (b) perfectly reflective of what I spend all my time doing now, which is reading. It's a word-intensive program, apparently.

So would you rather have a quote, a post about how much I read, or nothin'? If there are opinions out there, let me know. I'll probaby ignore them. Anyhoo, it's a whole passage this time. It's nice to be reading philosophy again.

"Protection, therefore, against the tyranny of the magistrate is not enough; there needs protection also against the tyranny of the prevailing opinion and feeling; against the tendency of society to impose, by other means than civil penalties, its own ideas and practices as rules of conduct on those who dissent from them; to fetter the development, and, if possible, prevent the formation, of any individual not in harmoy with its ways, and compel all characters to fashion themselves upon the model of its own. There is a limit to the legitimate interference of collective opinion with individual independence; and to find that limit, and maintain it against encroachment, is as indespensable to a good condition of human affairs, as protection against political despotism."

From On Liberty (1859), by John Stuart Mill.

The Barry Williams Show

2006-10-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

Personally, I think Greg has a problem.

The wife sent this link; it's weirdly amazing. Check out a Brady Bunch scene where Greg is... affected.

http://pcjm.blogspot.com/2006/10/johnny-brav-whoa.html

I shit you not...

2006-10-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

Just sat down at a table in the library, by the big windows, no less. I have it all to myself, but there are a couple of books that were left here (which is very common).

One of those books is "Essays in Positive Economics," by Milton Friedman.

So remember, kids, sometimes stereotypes are just true.

Quote of the Day

2006-10-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying I'll have another quote tomorrow, but this is great:

"A, to induce B to submit to intimate familiarities..."

People should so use that term for gettin' it on, as in, "Oh man, I totally induced her to submit to intimate familiarities. Yeah! Who's the man?"

Am I There Yet?

2006-09-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

I suppose so. With classes starting tomorrow, I'm a little nervous that it's taken 2 days to prepare for one day of classes. I don't think anybody exaggerated the amount of work.

Though I have prepared (extensively, maybe?), I have no way of telling if I am prepared. I suppose I'll find out soon enough, and I'm not feeling as nervous as I would have thought. I'm excited. I love new information, and deciphering several decisions has been nothing but new information, new reasoning, a different way of looking at the world, at history. Plus, if I make an ass of myself, it's all a learning process.

Neat. Here goes...

Urban Thought, in free verse

2006-09-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir or Madam,

Please

get off your cell phone

while you parallel park, illegally,

your Hummer

in pedestrian traffic.

Thank you.

(Hardly original, I know, but damn, people. Or: Damn people.)

Good Eats, Too

2006-09-07T11:22:00.001-07:00

This really happened. (From the wife's blog, why repeat?)

Email Machine

2006-08-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Today I am an email machine. I push missives out into corporate din as fast as I can type utility. Here, take this, status, project, for your records, handoff, contact information, interim, eligibility, final dates, thank you, farewell.

Then I will clean out my cube.

It is delightful.

Random Quotes Meme

2006-08-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

I liked this meme from Bobby Danger's blog so much, I did it myself. Also, I'm killing time. Also also, I'll take most excuses to use the word meme. It's true; just ask my wife.

Meme.

The idea is to describe yourself by going to this Random Quotes Generator and choose "the first five quotes that reflect your outlook on life."

Here are the ones that resonated with me. If any are apocryphal, well, that's just the web for you.

"He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself."
- Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny...'"
- Isaac Asimov (1920-1992)

"One man may hit the mark, another blunder; but heed not these distinctions. Only from the alliance of the one, working with and through the other, are great things born."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery (1900-1944)

"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."
- William Ellery Channing (1780-1842)

It's nice to see that Isaac Asimov remains a hero.

This is one for the wife, in recognition of her superpower.

"Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing."
- Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 07-03-05

Highway People

2006-08-15T16:40:00.000-07:00

An observation from a long-drive commuter. (Though not for much longer, no.)

Q: What's even better than a fat man on a crotch rocket?

A: A balding Indian gentleman in a business suit on a motorcycle that is obviously quite sensible.

Well done, sir. One point, however, puzzles me. My snap judgment over the 30 seconds while I passed you this morning was that you purchased your transport for fuel economy, as you were traveling slowly and safely in the rightmost lane on a motorcycle clearly not build for high speed performance. A lofty goal I certainly will not begrudge. But if you are so reasonable, why do you choose to ride without a helmet? Is it because the highway air feels wonderful over your balding pate? Is that breeze the breeze of freedom?

On Names and... Really Just a Mass of Names

2006-08-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

Everybody should go immediately and play with the Baby Name Wizard NameVoyager. Seriously.

http://www.babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html

Who stopped the bad man??? Yes you did! Yes you did!

2006-08-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

Passed a police cruiser with "K-3 Unit" stamped on the side.

If the movie image of a K-9 unit is a German shepherd, what does K-3 mean? Is it one of those little drug dogs that you see wearing vests in airports, like a beagle or a dachshund? Is it a K-9 unit in training, and is that why it's at the mall? Do law enforcement dogs start with shoplifters and work their way up through arsonists and gang members to serial killers and terrorists?

How far does the K-X system extend? If it's all odd numbers 1-9, I suppose K-1s could be toy terriers. Or cats. Cats wouldn't catch many criminals, but they'd still be all smug about it. The dogs would work harder, feeling a need to earn approval and show those cats. Dogs are dumb that way.

The K-X unit itself, of course, is the cyborg dog. Don't fuck with it.

Still, I like the idea of the adorable K-3. I keep coming back to it in my head.

Instead of the handler saying things like, "Balder, stop assailant." followed by growls and maiming, you'd get, "Are we gonna find drugs today, Mumpy? Are we? Are we? Some pot? Some smack? Yes we are! Yes we are! Who's so brave?"

Somewhere a K-1 yawns and stretches.

When Joe-mentum Becomes Jew-mentum

2006-08-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

I don't even have a post, I just wanted to write that.

Sorry, former Democratic Senator from Connecticut. Please remember that this is how democracies work, by voting.

But for disclosure, I am Jewish. I'm also reading "The Last of the Just," by André Schwarz-Bart and would weep if I couldn't keep my sense of inappropriate humor.

Pulling Back the Curtain

2006-08-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

I've been calling it my Life Rejiggering Project (or LRP). It's probably not remembered (and likely not worth it), but a while ago here I made a few comments on Phase One (or LRPP-I).

And what is LRP, you might wonder? (Or not.) Well...

Law school, baby. Law school.

I'll write more about it when I have a better opportunity to collect my thoughts, but today I just wanted to put it out there. (I was also a little worried I was pissing off Moth.)

If right now you want to be the first person to call me a scumbag, you're already too late. Since I started working toward this I've learned that apparently people don't much like lawyers. Ah well, I'm still excited.

Oh, NYT, you wit, you

2006-08-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

My favorite Op-Ed quote in a while, from one of today's New York Times editorials:

"The current chairman, Vernon Ehlers of Michigan, seems more sensible about both intergovernmental affairs and cafeteria management."

Congressional sanity at last.

The Dark Knight Sings

2006-08-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

There is no G-d, no justice in the universe. I say this because the rumors about the Batman musical were apparently not unfounded.

It will likely require a day pass to salon.com, but go here for the story behind and a link to what may be the most cringe-inducing mp3 on the internet.

The song is remarkable for having buckets of whatever train wreck quality it is that that makes people slow down to see accidents on the highway, that makes people say things like, "Oh, this tastes terrible -- try some," that makes people watch the local network news. (Possibly with giggling, for any of those.) It might be worth studying "Where Does He Get All Those Wonderful Toys" to see if that essence can be bottled and put somewhere safe and far, far away.

It's really quite awful. Try not to imagine shuffle-dancing-backup-singing-jazz-hands henchmen.

Pulling the Metaphorical Trigger

2006-07-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I quit today. Or at least I gave a whoppingly polite amount of notice. It was... delightful. And a relief, and strange, and rather nerve-wracking beforehand. The nerve-wracking bit was unnecessary; several people have been quite nice about it already.

Things aren't completely finalized with what's happening next yet, so I'm taking a leap of faith that it will all work itself out, one way or another. It has to, and I had to. It's out of character for me, but I'm glad all the same. Glad to be honest, to be upfront, to be legitimately able to stop caring and start passing things off.

There was a nice bit of corporomancy (defined here but re-coined here) today too: The first thing I noticed when I got to my desk was that somebody had run off with my chair. It's not a different or better chair, it's your usual, standard issue office chair -- it swivels, it tilts. Except this morning it wasn't there. It was the first time that's happened in almost 2 1/2 years at this office.

As corporomantic omens go, it was a pretty obvious one, in a guess-this-is-really-happening-today vein.

A revealing post written for myself, peculiarly in a public forum

2006-07-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

In Seattle for a few days of meetings for a job that I'm thoroughly planning to not have in less than a month and a half. As planning pushes forward into 2007, I'm feeling more than a little off. The "Why am I here?" aspect of daily professional activities grows more acute, and I'm reasonably certain I arrived at a resignation timetable in this morning's review. At tonight's activity (sponsored booze cruise) I came this close to asking a boss's boss what fair notice would be for X, just to follow with "Let's say 4 weeks."

Memorable? Sure. Bad form? Absolutely. Ultimately, I suppose I'm not that much of an asshole and prefer to be recalled as whatever I am, perspectival veracity rather than the grand gesture. (Reasonably, I have enough history in this industry to not want to burn every bridge at once, neat as that would be.)

I love this city, by the by. It feels like a comfortable old friend I just recently met, more or less always has.

Family Snapshot

2006-06-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

Traveling recently, including time spent with my parents (separately, of course) in Massachusetts. Here's one new memory I am compelled to share. At the time I was mostly thinking, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?

Dad: "When you look 10 years younger, you have to beat 'em off with a stick. ...Sometimes I think I'm going to get old alone. I can't find anybody I connect with."
Me: "Have you tried finding people online?"
Dad: "That's where I meet them."
Me: "What site do you use?"
Dad: "Jdate. I used to use Match."
Me: "Have you tried eHarmony?"
Dad: "How expensive is that?"
Me: "Stick with Jdate."

Okay, so I didn't say that last thing, but it was my very first thought. Seriously, though, what was I supposed to say at any point during that?

Q vs. N

2006-06-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

I know it's just one letter, but does this goof in yesterday's New York Times (online) fill anybody else with great trepidation? I'd prefer to think we're not so confused about which letter goes with which country.

It's the page my browser opens up to, I noticed it, and I took a screen capture. I promise it hasn't been doctored in any way.

It's nice to see it's since been corrected.

It seems black bears really do run away

2006-06-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

Since this sounds so amazingly apocryphal, I like the authority of a BBC article.

But the picture looks better here.

And I can hardly reference this (in the title) without linking to it. It wouldn't be fair.

(Hey, apparently The Office filmed a mass of fake PSAs. Cool.)

Is it just me...?

2006-06-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or does it seem a little disingenuous for Michael Chertoff to publish an Op-Ed in the New York Times entitled New York, You're Still Number 1? It's sort of like saying, "Just kidding! You're still a HUGE terrorist target. You just get less money now."

In fairness to Chertoff, he owns the fact that "New York is receiving less this year than in 2005." Apparently the reason for the drop in funding is that Congress budgeted "about $600 million less for our grant programs, including approximately $125 million less for the urban areas initiative." Ah, okay. What?

At least he helpfully explains why New York has no national icons or monuments:

"Finally, I would like to clear up two other misunderstandings. First, contrary to news media reports, significant landmarks like the Empire State Building and the Brooklyn Bridge were included in our deliberation over where money would go. It is true that they were not classified as national monuments and icons. Why? To help New York's application.

"We purposely placed these structures into other categories: the Empire State Building into the large office building category and the Brooklyn Bridge into the bridges category. We did so because those categories generate a higher complete risk grade for New York's financing proposal than icons like Mount Rushmore that, while important symbolically, would have fewer human and economic consequences in case of an attack."

So they're a large office building and a bridge in order to get an appropriate level of funding. Why can't they be both? Isn't it fair to say that the Empire State Building is both a national icon and a large office building? And wouldn't an appropriate level of funding reflect consideration of both statuses? Apparently that's not on the form, but maybe next year's will include a new tick-box.

Also, what's the Statue of Liberty if not a national monument or icon? I'm pretty sure it's not a bridge or an office building. So... State park? Historical site? Tourist attraction? But then why are tourists attracted to it?

Heck, while I'm on the news, here's another quick screed...

Now that the proposed Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage failed in the Senate, can it get out of the news? I know Republicans will use it in reelection bids, but I don't need to read or hear about this daily. It's an obvious publicity stunt, a non-event wasting public time.

And I wish we could stop calling that amendment's target audience "the Republican base" or "values voters" in favor of something more to the point, "ignorant bigots." Doesn't present usage offend either Republicans or people with values? Shouldn't it especially bother Republicans with values?

Funny News

2006-06-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

If you're going to frame somebody for shooting you, apparently it's a bad idea to leave your 'shoot self' to do list on the scene.

Boston Globe article here and Bermudian Royal Gazette article here (which I add as the place I first ran across this, on the front page no less).

I want to make jokes, but I feel like this "former MIT professor" already took care of that and now it's enough to direct attention.

In lieu of a real post, that is.

Wrong! It's Wrong!

2006-05-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

Why? Why do people do this? Do they really have so little class, kindness, fashion sense, and/or respect for their babies? What about respect for people who have to see their babies? Is it an entire business based on gag gifts for other people's children?

But let's focus on this item, the "My Mommy's a M.I.L.F." Li'l Beater. ($15.95 plus shipping, and I had to add that apostrophe for them.)

For the sake of all that is good and right, should it not read:

"My Mommy's a M.Y.L.F."????

Because the other way, well, that's just not right on so many, many levels.

Don't Mess With My...

2006-05-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

The wife and I were in Tucson, AZ, recently, visiting family, and apparently the 4th Avenue Fair was the place to be that weekend. With the wife's mother, we headed over.

It was more or less what you'd expect from a street fair. There were stalls, art, artisans, jewelry, crafts, hawkers, water-beers, gifts, foodstuffs, and the occasional free sample. Some items were nice, some were tacky. Some things were tasty, some didn't look like they would be.

Also, there was live music.

We'd wound around half of the fair, the stretch of stalls south of 6th Street, and we were crossing 6th to check out the other half, on the north side. We were flagging a little by then, and we could hear music outside a cafe on the corner. We were walking toward it, and it didn't sound bad. What reached us was kind of a zydeco-sound thing. I say that without really knowing what zydeco is, but it was uptempo guitar and accordion and if I had to compare it to something, Paul Simon's "That Was Your Mother" would pop to mind.

When we crossed the street, we saw that it was a kid playing. I spend no time with children (so I'm awful at estimating these things), but let's say he was 10-12 years old. The guitar part was pre-recorded, and he was standing alone at a mic playing one of those small push-button accordions. The kid looked uncomfortable. He looked down, didn't make eye contact with the crowd, and when he moved it was uncertain and awkward. If it's possible to shuffle while playing a small push-button accordion along to pre-recorded uptempo guitar music, he would've been shuffling. Uncomfortably. He may have been dressed like a little cowboy, or that could be how people dress in Tucson. We all agreed, non-verbally, to stand and watch for a bit.

He started to sing.

We guessed the name of the song was "Don't Mess With My Toot Toot," since that was the only lyric, repeated over and over. Then back to the accordion. Then back to singing, the same lyric, over and over (again). And it wasn't just that all he could sing was, "Don't mess with my toot toot." It was also how he sang. There was a long slide up to the first note, in pitch and volume, which extended that first word and gave the line a keening wail, an urgency. And he did it every. single. time.

"Dooooon't mess with my toot toot."
"Dooooon't mess with my toot toot."

As if he were trying to tell us something.

"Dooooon't mess with my toot toot."
"Dooooon't mess with my toot toot."

As if somebody was messing with his toot toot, possibly on a regular basis, and he wanted them to stop.

Horrible, right? So we couldn't laugh right there, of course. The wife's mother wasn't noticing it at all, for one thing, and who knows what further damage we'd cause the kid if we fell down laughing in front of him. The wife and I were reduced to wide-eyed looks and whispers (Are you seeing this, and what the hell's happening to that kid?) and generally trying not to giggle.

It was our favorite thing for days afterwards. Going to sleep that night, the house was quiet -- "Dooooon't mess with my toot toot." Laughter. To the family dogs we were visiting, "Now when you go to the dog park... don't let anybody mess with your toot toot." Any lapse in conversation. You get the idea.

It remains infinitely hilarious and disturbing. All we have to do now is sing or even hum that first smear of pitch, pleadingly.

The wife and I have talked about how we're able to keep the stupidest imaginable jokes around for years. It's probably a good thing we found each other.

Addendum: While writing this I learned that "My Toot Toot" is a real zydeco hit (and Grammy winner), originally recorded by Rockin' Sidney in the mid-80s, that's since been "much covered." Plus, there's an answer to the question, what the hell's meant by "toot toot" exactly? According to Wikipedia, it's a triple entendre covering drugs and sex "while its real meaning was a Cajun term of endearment meaning sweet heart, as in 'mà chere tout-tout.'" So yes, it was completely inappropriate for that kid.

(As a note to parents, please do not let your zydeco-interested children cover "My Toot Toot," because it's filthy and wrong. Unless you find it as funny as we do, in which case... Go find that tyke a street corner.)

Now I wish we'd stuck around to see if that kid could play the Rockin' Sidney follow-up, "Don't Mess With My Tush." Alas, we'll never know.

Low Hanging Fruit (on Airplanes)

2006-04-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

I am on a plane; the flight attendant offers a beverage. I ask for Coke; the flight attendant offers Pepsi. I ask for ginger ale and receive a can of Canada Dry ginger ale. The fashion-magazine-laden, umm, girl? lady? chickie? okay, blonde chickie seated next to me asks for sparkling water with lime and following a brief negotiation receives club soda with ice, Schweppes.

Wait.

Aren't Canada Dry and Schweppes different companies, or at least different subsidiaries? Aren't they in competition like, say, Coke and Pepsi? And if so what soft drink supplier let this contractual afterthought slip by? I can get Pepsi here but not Coke, so if Canada Dry belongs to Pepsico, why isn't their club soda part of the in-flight soft drink line-up? It's just water and bubbles, and clearly they have the technology to do that. It can't be that Pepsico owns Schweppes, because then the ginger ale would be Schweppes. Wouldn't it? Or does the clear necessity of prioritizing ginger ale to cola matching over club soda to cola matching make sense only to me?

I can't possibly be the first person to notice this.

Was there a United executive devoted solely to enforcement of this ginger ale/club soda preference as his airline slipped into bankruptcy? That doesn't make much sense either, but I feel there's an edge of plausibility to this airline beverage czar.

Unless Canada Dry and Schweppes are owned by the same conglomerate, in which case everything I understand about how the world works may be a compete sham.

I'm concerned as well about the La Croix water (seltzer?) I see two seats over. If anything it lends credence to my theory of a rogue, beverage-power-mad executive. I imagine he emphasises points of contention in beverage contracts by banging his fist on his desk. I imagine he does that a lot.

Where was I going with this? Nowhere. These are things I think about on long flights.

Well, that, and the in-flight movie, which in this case was In Her Shoes. It was not good. Somebody needs to figure out what to do with Toni Collette because she is far, far better than that. Also Cameron Diaz is not Jewish and will never be believable as Jewish, I don't care what the script says.

That, and the in-flight television offerings. MythBusters is an odd show without sound. The red-haired mythbuster is exceptionally animated in conversation, while the mustachioed mythbuster watches, silently plotting revenge or somebody's untimely demise. Then they build Sputnik out of plywood.

That, and fellow passengers. Mothers and teenage daughters should not paw through fashion magazines together exchanging comments like, "How cute is that?" "Supercute!" "Without the buttons?" It's creepy and unnatural. Either one of you isn't rebelling sufficiently or the other is trying too hard at one thing while potentially failing at something else altogether.

Lofting Advertisements

2006-03-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

Here's something I want to see, iPod ads adapted for iPod video behavior.

Presently iPod ads featuring undeniably hip youngsters in silhouette dancing to whatever music their iPod is pumping through those also-white ear buds. You know, you've all seen them.

Now imagine with me: A silhouette of a man in rumpled business attire... in an airport departure lounge... seated, hunched uncomfortably... watching the latest episode of Desperate Housewives or The Office.

Sure, it doesn't sound good, but if anybody can make that look attractive, it's the exceptional people at Apple marketing.

Bonus points if the suggested airport background is ORD or ATL.

Kong Is Regent

2006-02-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

The wife and I went to Peter Jackson's King Kong for our Jewish Christmas movie. (Okay, Jewish Boxing Day; Christmas was spent with her family.) Some thoughts I meant to post a while ago...

There might be spoilers here, but really, people, the movie's been out for more than a month now. Read at your own risk if you’re the type of person to get upset by such things.

Swede Ex Machina

Always showing up in the nick of time, well armed and vaguely dangerous, every ill prepared 1940s adventurer should have a ship captain like this. Also conveniently expert at trapping wild game and always travels with a truckload of ether.

As a storyteller, though, shouldn't there be a better way of getting one's heroes out of not one but two intractable situations?

Proposing a Jack Black Rule

We need a rule for Jack Black: Only put Jack Black in a film if you're going to either (a) let him be as funny as he's capable of, or (b) give him a character to play. Sure, (b) hasn't happened yet, so I can't say for certain it'll be a good thing. But it should be interesting if it does. If neither condition is met and Jack Black gets a light role, it seems like it's just Jack Black... not being very funny. It's kind of a distraction, and I'd just as soon see what another actor could do with the same part.

While on the subject, pairing Jack Black and Colin Hanks is kind of cool because they play well off each other. But are shades of (the underrated) Orange County desirable in a would-be summer blockbuster?

It's All About the Source Material

Sure, Peter Jackson is a terrific filmmaker with technical work and special effects second to no one and so forth. However... I realized watching King Kong that slavish adherence to source material stands up a lot better when he's adapting the epic that is The Lord of the Rings than when he's reworking something that narrowly escaped B-movie status by somehow embedding itself in our collective consciousness. (And I'm not saying that was a fluke; I honestly wonder exactly how and why the 1933 King Kong did that.)

I've watched the entire Lord of the Rings film cycle, all extended editions, in one 12 hour buttnumbathon, only stopping to order and then pay for pizza, and I can honestly say that it was really good, entertaining throughout. I'd do it again too. Preferably in a couple years, preferably during another snowstorm, and preferably with another set of willing friends. (Or the same willing friends -- not alone is my point.) The interesting thing was that the extended editions were closer to the books, deeper and more engaging for it. Clearly Tolkien knew how to spin a story. (I'm realizing this more and more while rereading the Narnia books. Not good, there might be more on that later.)

With Jackson's King Kong, it's impressive that it didn't feel as long as it was (3 hours), and I didn't get too bored. Even so, it just wasn't all necessary. A lot of sequences that were unquestionably cool (e.g. giant ape fighting 2 or 3 dinosaurs, that's cool) still didn't have to be as long as they were. Ape fights dinosaurs, we get it. Why does it have to go on for 15 minutes? Why after falling through the first ravine do the dinosaurs not shrug and walk off, figuring there must be easier prey elsewhere?

It's like a J.K. Rowling syndrome -- by book 5, nothing at all was left out. As if the creators are thinking, I am beyond editorial control. Nobody will stop me putting in anything I want, and you will like it.

In Defense of Comic Books

2006-01-19T16:27:00.000-08:00

Drawing on old material...

A while ago, a friend at Daily Events wrote a post called Gagging on Deep Throat, where he spuriously compared pornography to comic books to make the point that pornography doesn't deserve consideration for artistic merit.

There are a few objections one could make here (or not, if you agree), but I (being me) didn't appreciate that he maligned comics to make a point. It lead to a interesting, involved discussion of medium, value, genre, etc., which I'll completely ignore here. I thought my initial response might be worth posting.

---

Let's draw a distinction between genre and medium.

Genre to a large extent dictates content. The western is a genre that consists of cowboys, Indians, and gunfights. Sci-fi is a genre that consists of space exploration and futuristic science. The superhero story is a genre that consists of, well, superheroes. Porn is a genre that consists of sex, lots of sex, often explicit. And so forth.

I'm oversimplifying, of course, but you get the idea.

Medium, on the other hand, is a means of transmitting content. It's a wrapper. It does not dictate content. Television is a medium. The novel is a medium. The CD is a medium. Comic books are a medium. Radio, film, theater, DVD, etc. To a medium, content is largely irrelevant. The medium is only the mechanism by which one transmits information.

Porn is a genre. Comic books are a medium.

Please don't compare apples to apple carts.

A Quick One for Morty

2006-01-12T23:26:00.000-08:00

I couldn't let it pass without noting that today (January 12, 2006) would have been Morton Feldman's 80th birthday. For anybody so inclined, observe moments of silence between immaculately chosen sonorities. That is to say, listen to some of his music.

Some web resources:

Chris Villars's still essential Morton Feldman Page
Morton Feldman audio at UbuWeb Sound

Happy Gregorian New Year

2006-01-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

If somewhat belated.

Again stemming from our New Years guests, I ended up downtown with a camera, which rarely happens. The following were taken in and around Millennium Park, New Years Dusk or so, 2005.

A Juvenile Running Joke from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" or: The Post Where I Share Too Much and Alienate My Readers

2006-01-07T23:47:00.000-08:00

It's a good thing I'm married because The 40 Year Old Virgin DVD was way too obvious a Christmas gift for me. And much appreciated too.

Then, since my brother and his girlfriend came out to visit over New Years and since they're in serious decompression mode for the week and a half they have off from med school, much of the visit consisted of sitting around, watching some television and a few movies. And there it was, The 40 Year Old Virgin on DVD... We watched the movie, the extras, and the wife and I watched the commentary track after our houseguests left. It's quite good if your sense of humor runs that way; clearly mine does.

Of course the "You know how I know you're gay?" joke got stuck in my head. That's pretty much the gag, it's a sort of white guy snaps routine, expressed in exchanges like: "You know how I know you're gay?" "How?" "I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once." And suchlike, usually far less clean.

Monday afternoon I realized I had the following, just by describing the situation I was in at the moment.

"You know how I know you're gay?"
"How?"
"You're reading the Chronicles of Narnia in a spa waiting for a fruit therapy facial treatment."

Just awful, I had to put the book away. Fashion magazines didn't seem like a better option, so I sat quietly and stared at the wall.

In own my defense, though, it was half price and utilized alpha and beta hydroxy fruit acids. Also my skin looks great now, relatively speaking.

Better Living Through Marketing

2006-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

There are so many ads for alcohol, and I really wonder if they do any good. Well, not that ads do good in a strict sense, but do these ads affect behavior? It seems to me that people make decisions about what to drink, how much to drink, when to drink, etc. with subtle personal and societal calculations dependent on taste, company, timing, plans for the rest of the evening and/or next day, and so forth. Where exactly does that bizarro Tanqeray Tony Sinclair spokesthing figure in? (He weirds me out for reasons I don't yet fully understand.)

Given the sheer amount of money dumped into sports, magazines, billboards, concerts, venues, et al, I can't imagine a proper relative benefit.

So here's my proposition. Makers and purveyors of alcoholic beverages should market toward their most dependable demographic: alcoholics. Sure, we all like bikinis, but why not incorporate useful informational slogans as well?

Goes great with breakfast cereals!

Your boss will barely smell it on your breath when you get back from lunch!

Affects driving 30% less than other leading brands!

It's shorty's what now?

2005-12-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

And now, I hedge. In spite of the encouraging "Yay, immolation!" response in comments (sickos), I worry that last post makes me look classist.

And I'm not. Or I'm not at present. I'll admit I might've been at one point in my life, while I was in high school and living in an affluent American suburb yet part of a family slipping down, down, down the socioeconomic ladder following a divorce. Or maybe I was just sixteen and a snot. Either way, who didn't go through a phase like that?

Now I'm wise enough to now that rich, poor, or middle class, from all races, ethnicities, religions, nations, educational institutions and walks of life, ignorant assholes are everywhere.

When it comes to money, I don't begrudge people who have lots of it, or more than I do. I recognize that I'm capable of making choices in life that will bring me more or less money. I just don't want to go into sales. So I assume those with money either earned it (and I can certainly respect that), or somebody else did, or they're just lucky. However it happened, bully for them. Money has to go somewhere, and that's where some ended up. (Or if it was illegally sourced, maybe someday they'll get caught and we can all evaluate how clever or not they were.)

Yet I can't shake the instinctive thought that if you have a whole lot of money, vast, Scrooge McDuck-esque piles everywhere you turn, you should find something good to do with it. And I mean good in a broad sense. Not just good for yourself or your family or for mankind -- all would work -- but also well-used. Rather than inefficiently bandied about it a way that makes you look hermetically sealed off from rational society. And if you can't do that, maybe somebody else should have that money. Completely unworkable, I know, but it's just a thought.

Let me explain with an example.

If you spend $10 million on your daughter's bat mitzvah, my instinct tells me: Sure, it's your right, but if that's all you can think to do with it maybe you shouldn't have that money. Maybe it should go to somebody who would use it as the seed for a space program instead.

A Viewer's Response

2005-12-20T00:54:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that I write a lot about MTV here, and I might have figured out why this is. Unlike other subjects -- world events, the arts, people, places, things -- simply watching MTV with three or more active brain cells fully qualifies one to write about it. So no matter what I say, I can write with complete authority. It's not like I'll be contradicted by somebody with greater expertise.

Sure, the president seems to think that the oath of office is a valid check on executive power, which is on its face laughable. Sure, if you listen to him speak in more than sound bite snippets you notice how many of his arguments are tautological, which strikes me as weirdly close to fanatical thinking. But oo, hey, what's that, hah -- moving pictures shiny.

And as such...

My Super Sweet Sixteen isn't a show I'd recommend. In fact, if anything, I'd recommend never watching it and not allowing it on your television even for an instant. Because as soon as you do, you're stuck -- an inescapable train wreck of terrifying proportions. And for what? It's awful people behaving like the despicable, selfish germs they are, and I'm incapable of turning it off. Afterwards, I feel dirty. It's just that evil.

The people in it -- well, the children and parents -- are so removed from reality that I always want terrible, terrible things to happen to them. Just to bring them back from that edge, to ground them a little better. The wife and I were watching an episode earlier and had the following exchange:

Me: "I think I've figured out what this show needs. Immolation."
TW: "Immolation?"
Me: "Yeah."
TW: "What's immolation?"
Me: "Setting people on fire."

(You might note from the cadences that, yes, watching this show actively makes you stupider.)

But now I wonder if setting self-absorbed rich people and their satanic offspring on fire might not be the entertainment product of the future. There could be a market for this.

Though, in fairness, MTV casts people who have so embraced solipsism that my first question inevitably becomes: Would they even notice?

Further Notes on an Absence

2005-12-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

Again regarding that big lapse in blogging... Just so you know how lucky you all are, please note that I resisted all temptation to turn this into a Floyd-a-day blog.

And I could've too. I have the pictures.

Embarrassment of Riches

2005-12-15T04:14:00.000-08:00

Speaking of Real World/Road Rules Challenges, you should all be watching The Gauntlet 2. Only 2 episodes have aired, so a massive cast of delightfully misguided wingnuts still remains.

Psychotic inner-team rivalry is built right into the game, pushing a breakdown with a call to the police practically in the first episode. Had Jo never watched the show? Had she never watched MTV? I'm thinking not so much. Pure genius, that.

Also, here's the trailer for X3, in case anybody hasn't seen it yet. The trailer looks good, of course, and the fact that Brett Ratner is executive producing Prison Break gives me some hope for the franchise. On a certain level, I curse that hope.

Anybody who can tell I'm working tonight, raise your hand. Well done.

The Miz Speaks

2005-12-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

(I originally wrote this one on 9/8...)

I swear we're not watching it, but did everybody know that Mike "The Miz" is on Battle of the Network Reality Stars? Leaving aside the fact that (as a Real World and Real World/Road Rules Challenge alum) he wasn't on a network reality show, per se, the wife sent me an email to let me know about this bit of genius casting.

Consistently one of the best contributors to the wholly remarkable Inferno II, I was intrigued. I read a blurb and found a link to The Miz's website, where you can learn how to get in touch with your own inner Miz -- "what gives MIZ it's amo!" (MTV doesn't cast for spelling or grammar skills. They want skillz.)

Do many Real World cast members have their own websites? Most of them? It's an idle wonder, insufficient to actually research.

I learned from The Miz's site that he works as a motivational speaker -- really, I'm not making this up. Immediately I'm trying to figure out how that works, if he's pushing a gospel of Mizziness and television -- his Real World experience, which is different from real world experience, is claimed as a public speaking selling point. Embrace your inner Miz, get on TV, and then all will be well, your dreams will come true, and so forth? Is that motivational? Is it realistic?

Gus van Sant would be so proud.

I'm left wondering what sort of organization would hire Mike as a motivational speaker. Schools? Schools trying to impart important lessons to children?

Hmmmm...

"Okay, class, let's give a big thank you to Mike 'The Miz' for coming out to talk to us today. What did we all learn from Mike?"

"Be on TELEVISION!!!"

"Of course we must. But television doesn't just happen to people. What do we need to work on to be on television?"

"Our ABS!!!"

"Very good. Abs are, in fact, essential. But not everything will help us be on television. What do we need to lose, class?"

"...um...weight?"

"No, not weight, too obvious."

"Our DIGNITY!!!"

"Yes. Perfect."

(12/15 update: Regarding Battle of the Network Reality Starts, yeah... We totally watched it. And we'd watch it again.)

Several months later...

2005-12-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

Why hello, are you still here? Gosh, I must say I'm flattered. Baffled as well, but happy all the same.

So am I the only blogger (using the term loosely, it's hardly a complete self-description or definition) who writes posts and never actually posts them? No, it's probably just me, or at least I'm sure I'm in a minority.

At least, I'm sure it's me. It's actually very, very me. To have my interest caught by a topic and consider it, think of things to say about it, organize my thoughts in the form of a quasi-essay, possibly with devices, and then say, "Hmm... Maybe later," and repeat step 1. That's me. Unless I stumble across a forum, I generally don't share much. It's the formulation that's fun for me, and one of the things I liked about blogging way back when (April?) was that it pushed that formulation. It generates its own forum too, but clearly that's not the fun part for me.

At some point I noticed I could write without hitting the publish button, and, well, here's this lapse that we have now. Plus that way I don't have to go through the bother of proofreading and updating links. Also that way I'm not publicly pontificating about stuff in the news where I honestly only know about 2% of the subject, etc.

It's not exactly intuitive, but leaving posts indefinitely open-ended streamlines the process quite nicely.

But then there's you. Look, you're still here reading me prattle on about something that can't possibly be interesting, and you'll want to read more of this tomorrow. How can I disappoint somebody like that? You might be dangerous.

So let me apologize now for failing to lessen the daily boredom of several people. At least 3, I think. I'll publish a couple of these just-lying-around posts right quick. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Just as soon as I proofread them and update some links...

However, "Getting some things off my chest in the form of an open fan letter to Mitchell Hurwitz" will simply never be published because of several unforgivably cruel things said about my own family. I'm certain we're all better off without it.

Capsule Review - Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

2005-10-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't laughed that hard at anything that clever and clean in so, so long.

Saturday Observation

2005-10-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

Rube Goldberg has no place in a discussion of hot dog factories.

Hopeful Then, Irked Now

2005-10-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still amazed. When asked during last week's press conference if Harriet Miers was the "most qualified" person he could find, President Bush said, "Yes." Without qualifying it, as he should have, "Well... the most qualified person in the building. Well... in the basement. Well... in the east side of the basement. Well... in her office. Usually."

Because with that simple, unmodified "yes," a logical line of questioning should've followed:

"And the 'most qualified' candidate for the Supreme Court happens to work for you?"
"Yes."

"And the 'most qualified' candidate for the Supreme Court happens to have been working for you for the past decade or so?"
"Yes."

"And the 'most qualified' candidate for the Supreme Court happens to have virtually no professional experience in the field of constitutional law?"
"Yes."

"And the 'most qualified' candidate for the Supreme Court has never actually served as a judge?"
"Yes."

"And the 'most qualified' candidate for the Supreme Court happens to think you're the most brilliant man she's ever met?"
"Yes."

And so forth.

Honestly, I think they both need to get out and meet more people.

I'm happy to see a number of Republicans and conservatives reacting skeptically, and I'd like to see the same from more Democrats. Darn it, though, they're just so... polite.

Fanboys Rejoice

2005-09-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

With both Serenity and Mirrormask opening this weekend, I've been planning for, well, not months, but it's been in the back of my mind, certainly.

Unfortunately it's a busy weekend (playing music), and I'm not sure I'll be able to make it to both. And that, honestly, kind of sucks a little. The world is finally catering to my tastes, and I'm busy. I feel so impolite.

I had been thinking of it as Nerd Weekend, but National Geek Day sounds so much more celebratory. Plus it was Joss Whedon's term, which incurs automatic deference. Check out a Time sit-down with both Joss and Neil Gaiman here. (Wherein it is frankly explained why Hollywood product smells like pee.)

But are we geeks really so mainstream now? I'd like to think so, but there's still this crushing shame. Or is that just me?

Current Events and Corporate Archetypes

2005-09-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

I'll own the fact that I wrote this more than a week ago and didn't get around to posting it until now. I realize it's been contradicted by President Bush doing the presidential thing and taking responsibility (gaspity gasp), and by the big speech from Jackson Square. Generally, though, I expect this kind of behavior to continue. If not I'll be happily mistaken, and the corporate archetype should still be valid.

(Also I know I haven't posted in a bit. To the 5 people reading, I apologize.)

...

I've been paying a lot of attention to the news over the past couple weeks, and it's been pretty saddening and infuriating, all at once. More than usual. Political gamesmanship usually fascinates me, at least a little, but in light of what's been happening, right now it's more offensive.

One thing I've realized is that the Bush administration spookily resembles one of the corporate types I've come to hate working with over the past few years (spent in high-level technical support sorts of areas).

It's the guy you keep having this conversation with, usually before lunch:

"I heard there was an issue on the _______ systems yesterday. What happened?"
"Well I didn't do it."
"Yeah, but ____ said you worked on it. Did you get a root cause?"
"It wasn't me."
"Okay... Was it resolved? Really I'm just interested in the fix; I might have the same issue over in _____."
"Not my fault."

It's the guy (or girl) who can't work toward fixing anything because all of his (or her) energies are devoted to displacing blame. The immediate effect is that nothing gets done.

Credit Where Credit's Due, a Little Late

2005-09-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

We watched a bit of the Emmy awards tonight and saw J.J. Abrams win directing for a drama series for the pilot episode(s) of Lost. Which is great and well deserved -- it's probably the best show currently on television and one of the best in the past while.

But my immediate reaction was still, "Joss Whedon just put a bullet through his television. Like Elvis."

We mercifully missed Emmy Idol. Thanks, Moth, for terrifying me.

Nobody Told Me There Was an OAD

2005-08-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

A while ago NPR's Morning Edition included a brief story on the publication of the latest edition of the New Oxford American Dictionary.

Apparently it includes "fanboy," defined as "an obsessive enthusiast of comic books and other areas of geek culture."

I feel a little like I'm finally somebody, and that somebody is sad...

Though just from the two examples given, "fanboy" and "advergame," I worry that as Americans we have an irrational need for new words.

Which reminds me that I want to change officomancy (from here) to corporomancy. Just because I like the sound of it better.

Hope for John Roberts

2005-08-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

We may as well start calling him Justice Roberts now. Confirmation hearings haven't even begun yet, but he'll get through. There will be a lot of harrumphing and no real opposition. As a casual news reader, I have a hunch on this one. However, I'm not despairing (yet).

Here's my hope:

Maybe John Roberts isn't just the best Supreme Court nominee we could hope for from the Bush administration. Maybe he's the very best Supreme Court nomination we could hope for from the Bush Administration.

Here's why:

Democrats and Republicans honestly aren't too far from each other. They're both pro-business capitalist parties who tend to haggle over social policies and make a show of different places tiny slices of the national budget could go. Social stances are different, but they generally agree on how government should function in American society, if not the degree. The fact that they're at each others' throats so often speaks more to power hunger and tribalism than to substantive policy differences.

Also (brace yourselves if you must) I recognize that there are good reasons to fall on the Republican side of things, especially when you're thinking of Republicans in a more historic sense. Remember when Republicans were considered stewards of fiscal responsibility? It doesn't fit with cutting taxes, starting a war, and increasing domestic spending all at the same time, but still. Or what about Republicans as the party who wanted to keep government out of the private lives of citizens? That doesn't square with trying to pass legislation controlling abortion and other personal life decisions, but still. At one time...

Likely obvious by now, but I don't think the current administration is made up of good Republicans. I'd even say they're failures as Republicans, and I kind of wish they'd run off and form some frightening populist third party. That, at least, would be interesting. It won't happen.

But, returning to hope, what if John Roberts, who's been a Republican for decades, doesn't fall into the same category of Republican as the Bush administration? What if he became a Republican for different, just, fair-minded reasons, and then followed through with a career as a Washington lawyer in that camp? He might've done distasteful things for administrations and clients since, but this doesn't necessarily make him an ideologue.

Then (stay with me) what if a fair-minded Republican completely snowed W. into nominating him?

It's not like it would be the first time it happened -- anybody remember Bernie Kerik? I don't think Bush is stupid, but I don't think he's a deep thinker. It seems like he looks at things superficially, makes a quick decision, and stands by that decision no matter how it turns out or however reality might assert itself in favor of a different stance.

What if Bush interviewed Roberts and thought, "Harvard man, football captain, argued in front of the Supreme Court lots, works out regularly... Okay, he seems like the guy."

I'm not convinced that Roberts in a Republican in the Bush mold just because Bush nominated him.

The other point that gives me hope is the fact that liberal organizations haven't been able to come up with an attack on Roberts that isn't crap. The NARAL ad was embarrassing, which is a massive shame. If anybody should be guarding their credibility right now, they should.

The sound bite version of Roberts's stance on equal pay for equal work is that he's against it, yes. But that stance seems to rest on the concept that the courts shouldn't set salary scales, which is reasonable.

Combined with the fact that he's done pro bono work for gay rights organizations, and I'm starting to wonder how much is there for the left to use. It's not like they're not digging.

Also, more of a sidebar, but there's the fact that he has young children. If he's an involved parent, I hope he gets some kind of perspective on growing up now, in the present day. It's a lifetime appointment, and who knows how having a sixteen year old daughter might make him think differently about, say, abortion?

Of course my hope is only that, and for all I know Roberts might actually stand to the right of Pat Robertson. But I figure since he'll be confirmed, I may as well try this for a change. I'll see how it works out.

Shatner You Genius!

2005-08-05T02:32:00.000-07:00

I realized I could post these two links, furthering the fascinating/terrifying dichotomy that is William Shatner. So I am, enjoy the fruits of my boredom.

Shatner Fametracker Fame Audit
Shatner interprets "Rocketman"

Late Night Discovery

2005-08-05T01:33:00.000-07:00

Being on these late night conference calls, when there's nothing to really do, I tend to get very bored and a little peckish. So I mute the phone, I shuffle out to the kitchen, I open the fridge, I see what's there... Here's what I just found out:

Cheese curd is not a late night snack food.

I had poured some onto a napkin, and at the first bite I think I actually heard my stomach say, "Don't eat that," in an incredulous, resigned tone. A sort of I-can't-believe-I'm-stuck-with-this-idiot tone.

So I mute the phone, I shuffle back to the kitchen, I open the fridge, I replace the cheese curd...

I am now consuming a napkin's worth of sesame crackers.

"If I had just one last wish / I would like a tasty fish"

2005-08-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

The wife and I went and rewatched The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy last Saturday at Brew & View. (Which was, as always, delightful -- 'cause, hey, movies and beer. Who doesn't like that?)

I knew we were going to see it, so when I picked up an old Wired earlier in the day and saw a page about Hitchhiker's under Start, I thought, hey, synchronicity. I'd avoided press before it came out, but now I could read it. I did.

I have to say I really like the film. I really liked it when I saw it the first time, and I really liked it again. There's so much it gets right, in terms of tone, and it feels genuinely like part of Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's work.

Apparently, it pretty much is. According to Wired, Douglas Adams wrote about 85% of the script and added the two new characters (Humma Kavula and Questular Rontok). Which is great. It's so gratifying that it wasn't aped or copied or regurgitated. It was his own, likely as much as a Disney movie could be. (Grafted-on Arthur-Trillian love story aside, of course.)

It's not to say that it couldn't have been done without him. I'm just happy that in this case, it wasn't.

Two Days of Meetings

2005-07-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

In Atlanta, where it was hot. Brutally, upsettingly hot. Not that it mattered, since I only left the hotel once.

Originally I was going to share only one favorite bit of corporate-speak. But that was before corporate-speak blossomed on day 2, and I gathered a few more items.

I'll admit it's a little unfair. Lots of people invested lots of effort into putting together a positive, forward-looking experience. And it wasn't a total wash; I actually used my brain a couple times (to problem solve, mediate, whatever). And I finally met people face-to-face I've been working with for more than a year. And some worthwhile information was conferred. And I hung out with a coworker who's validly a good friend and otherwise I don't see much because we're in different cities.

And lots of the people who say these things realize they're ludicrous outside the aura of a PowerPoint presentation.

And yet, and yet, and yet...

"We bring to the table some special sauce."

"If you're talking about operationalizing a glossary, that's interesting."

"And maybe it is a pig. But sometimes you want pork."

(I actually missed that last one; it was supplied by the friend.)

I was way too amused by BAU as an acronym for Business As Usual. Did other people know about this? Was I just ignorant until now? I want to call my cubicle the BAUhaus and find a suitable chair for it.

The funniest moment (to me, in my brain) was on day 2 when "Don't work harder - Work smarter!" popped up on a slide about managerial skills. Of course my first thought was, I love DuckTales too! Then I spent an hour wondering if Launchpad McQuack finally killed himself or a passenger, or if Webbigail ever chose a nephew, or if there might be anything in the Junior Woodchucks' Guidebook we could use to cut travel expenses...

Not that I should scoff. If that advice worked for Scrooge McDuck's fledgeling shoeshine business, it should be good enough for us. Anybody have a lucky dime?

Shattup about Yer iPod

2005-07-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

The last thing I want to do is add to the legions upon legions of iPod blog posts on the web, but...

You know how it is when you're driving to work after a long weekend away from cell coverage and not on call for the first time in a month? It's unpleasant. (I mean the commute is unpleasant; the weekend was great.) My iPod was still on shuffle from the drive back from Wisconsin, and I swear it was trying to cheer me up, helpful little creature that it is.

This little set was so successful, I felt it was worth noting:

Yo La Tengo - Let's Save Tony Orlando's House (from And then nothing turned itself inside-out)

Ben Schwendener / Uwe Steinmetz - June 13th (from Apfelschaun)

Yo La Tengo - Season of the Shark (from Summer Sun)

The Magnetic Fields - Take Ecstasy with Me (from Holiday)

2 Snapshots

2005-07-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

From the drive up to Wisconsin, where the wife and I spent a delightful weekend with family, blissfully out of cell phone coverage...

1.

(Passing a pickup truck)

TW: "Hey, G-d's pro-life. Isn't that great?"
Me: "Where's that?"
TW: "Bumper sticker on that truck."
Me: "If G-d's pro-life, why did He invent death?"

2.

(Passing a sign that read "Gusty Winds on Bridge")

TW: "Hey, this bridge has gusty winds. 'Gusty Winds' sounds like it wants to be a stripper name but isn't."
Me: "That's... so... right..."

Fall 2005, again, or: I'm sorry, Terry.

2005-07-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

When I mentioned earlier the paltry amount of summer movies I was looking forward to, I forgot to mention a few. At least two, though I stand by what I said about diminished expectations.

But the possibility that Tim Burton will be back in form for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is enough to put me in a theater. (Plus the wife is completely obsessed with it already.)

The same sufficiency works for Terry Gilliam getting to make any movie at all, in this case The Brothers Grimm -- especially after seeing Lost in La Mancha. Usually Monty Python members make me laugh, but that was just painful. The whole time I kept hoping that somebody would give Mr. Gilliam a hot chocolate and a nice sofa for a little time out. Sure he'd probably prefer tea, but in my mind he needed cocoa.

Of course this time that's all preamble to mention a Mirrormask teaser scene available here. At this point I can't say how much I'm looking forward to seeing it on a big screen instead of these tiny browser windows.

Just oddities

2005-07-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Why hasn't anybody codified a system of officomancy yet? A way of reading curious signs and signals at the workplace to see what's really going on -- some days it would be dead useful.

When I arrived at work today somebody had parked their Ford Focus in the middle of two aisles of cars. But right in the middle, very purposefully, in precisely the same orientation as the other parked cars but in exactly the wrong place. Blocking cars in front and in back while neatly cutting off a whole driving corridor. The sort of thing you'd look at and say, "Ass." Personally I think somebody's cracking up.

Inside the building, the constant swirl of moving cubicles around mine brought three new neighbors. (Sometimes I wonder if anybody realizes I sit here, and if someday I'll be asked me to move to the basement without my stapler.) All three new neighbors are wearing the exact same white golf shirt, and a bit ago somebody else in the same shirt dropped by to talk to them. It's eerie.

I'm sure to an outside observer these might seem to be innocent coincidences or only mildly curious events, but I wonder (out of boredom if nothing else) if there's something more sinister at work.

Porn as Modifier

2005-07-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Given how "food porn," "wedding porn," and "ski porn" are accepted as actual terms, I wonder if we'll need to start using "porn porn" to talk about smut.

Craptacular Craptacular

2005-07-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

When I received an email from my boss saying that my employer was sending people to see the penultimate episode of American Idol 4, live in LA, and that he wanted me to go as a reward for all of my "hard work and effort" (not sarcasm quotes, just what he said) on the AI4 project, I figured it was a joke. There was the sheer cost, and what kind of suck-ass award is a mediocre pop-crap-singing talent competition? I figured I was done with those once I left high school.

It's not a show I follow. It's not an event I'd pay for. It's not something I have any interest in. But given the chance to go for free I felt weirdly compelled.

To see it.

To see it suck.

To see it suck in person.

Here's a sketch of what the trip was like and what my week turned into to accommodate it (with respect to the massive piles of work that have been landing on my desk lately).

Work Monday. Then work a Monday night maintenance window, midnight to 1 am. Nap. Wake at 3:45 to get to O'Hare for 6 am flight (4 hours). Land at LAX, 8 am PST. Wait in airport for 2 hours for coworkers. Drive to hotel. Log in, do work. Leave hotel for lunch with coworkers. Eat bland chicken sandwich at Hooters. (It's an industry thing, I think. Also worth mentioning that the guy who had a burger was sick 8 hours later. Coincidence? Hooters -- it's not about the food, people.) Wander around with coworkers who have a goal of drinking Bud Light and Miller Lite all day, which I do not share. Observe their difficulty finding a bar on Sunset. Eventually separate to wander the AI4-area circus by myself and check out the media pit. Attend American Idol live broadcast. Afterwards walk for leagues with coworkers to satisfy one's need for a dinner consisting of a burger and more cat-piss beer. Eventually separate again after bland dinner, back to hotel to talk to the wife and pack. Nap. Wake at 4:45 to get to LAX for 8 am flight (4 hours). Work like mad during remaining weekdays to make up for lost time. Also work maintenance windows Wednesday night (11 pm to 1 am), Thursday night (11 pm to 6 am), and Friday night (11 pm to midnight). Afterwards feel like I was beaten with a pool cue.

I was explaining the travel schedule to a friend who said, "So, as a reward, you were punished." ... "Yes." And he laughed. Again.

Clearly any idea of avoiding work for 2 days was a brutal miscalculation on my part. It just waited, made friends, and they all ganged up on me.

But enough self pity. There's a lesson there for me, but I'm sure it's not why you're reading this.

Here are some notes and observations I jotted down during my day in LA. (Any inaccuracies are the fault of my imperfect memory and the time that elapsed before typing these up. Or possibly they're delusions my brain generated to save me from a more terrifying reality.)

Los Angeles, May 24, 2004. All times PST.

2:05 pm. Mall fawning at eliminated idols. A mass of people are circled around a media pit in the open-air courtyard of a mall adjoining both the Kodak Theater and my hotel (on different sides). Local media people tape reports on and interviews with eliminated idols, and the would-be idols wander the pit and interact with the throng over Jersey barriers. Hugs and photos mostly, and the crowd shouts names in unison as new idols appear. I take some pictures of the mass.

2:15 pm. Turning down free tickets to Jimmy Kimmel Live feels nothing like personal triumph or empowerment. (Offered on the street, how sad.)

2:25 pm. March of the Seat Filler Asses. They had been lined up literally around a full city block, down the street from the theater, filling the entire sidewalk, corralled by all-black-clad, headphone-sporting mediated handlers since at least noon. (Likely earlier; I only arrived at noon.) They all look so happy and well-primped!

2:35 pm. If I thought I was being stalkerish taking pictures of the wanna-be idols in the media pit from above... A woman, 30-something, possibly attractive in a dark, icky, overmade-but-still-athletic way, following Constantine through the mall to the hotel's side door, making the devil metal sign at him (index and pinkie fingers). He returns the metal sign. She's carrying a 3-4 year old boy, plus a 7-9 year old boy trailing. As Constantine's bundled into the hotel by two handlers and retreats into the distance, she stays at the glass of the door watching and repeating, "So goddamn cute... So fucking cute..." like a mantra. I personally believe in genetic determinism, but she may well have just turned her younger son gay.

2:45 pm. Actual conversation between me and a hotel employee in the elevator:

"So is today especially bizarre, or is this actually pretty normal here?"
"I don't really know, it's my first day."
"Good choice."
"...Yeah."

3:00 pm. A question: Do Hawaiian shirts increase in frequency with proximity to Hawaii?

4:30 pm. My ass is in my seat in the Kodak Theater, in the first row of the third mezzanine. The stage, well below, is gaudy as all hell, blinding fluorescent aqua lights. The house PA is pumping out "Play That Funky Music, White Boy." ...Ironically? A pair of tiny mosh pits (well, "mosh pits") are forming to either side of the front of the stage with many, many camera flashes going off in each. There's a live band for this? How un-karaoke of them, but I see a tuba bell in one of the orchestra pits behind the stage.

4:35 pm. The first sign I notice supports Bo on bright orange poster board. As soon as I notice one I notice many, many others.

4:40 pm. Screaming begins as audience fluffer Corey takes the stage. Corey's the whitest of white boys acting black, sort of a cross between a Bar Mitzvah DJ who's only 16 himself, trying desperately to be hip, and the Disney World presenter with the most street cred. Corey gives a "Yea-Ah!" whoop and whips the audience into a screaming frenzy with the promise of 3 songs each from Bo and Carrie.

4:45 pm. Further frenzy. The house PA has moved on to that "Don't stop till you get enough" song, and several more "Yea-Ah" whoops from Corey. He practiced that; I can tell. Corey invites people to dance along to his "Yea-Ah!"

4:56 pm. Now it's the "I like big butts" song on the PA, and a massively, massively pregnant girl in her early 20s dressed in a sports bra and short-shorts (both black, you know, to be tasteful) is walking through my row trailing her boyfriend, who acts like all is well. This puts her giant naked pregnant belly right at eye level, and I can't tell you how disturbingly skeevy it is. Judges are introduced.

4:58 pm. Corey yells, "Bring the drama," and Ryan Seacrest is introduced. For anybody waiting for Ryan Seacrest to go away, let me say now it won't ever happen. He only says about twelve words before the show starts, but the whole theater is silent and utterly attentive. From the stage, he comes off as sincere and enthusiastic without being over the top. It's not at all what I was expecting.

4:59 pm. People are really, really into this. My drunk co-workers are acting like asses, and people immediately start yelling and swearing at them to shut them up. People who take this seriously and paid money to be here -- why, I will never understand.

5:05 pm. Right into it with Bo's first song ("Long Long Road"?). The audience is deafening, then suddenly and shockingly respectful (silent). Do people actually listen to this music?

5:08 pm. Judges go right into Bo, and the audience absolutely lashes into the judges. Bo apparently has strong support here tonight.

5:14 pm. First commercial break. The eliminated idols are seated in the front row behind the judges to share and wallow in their collective shame. When Corey goes to mini-interview Anthony, a distinctly male voice yells "I love you, Anthony," from an upper balcony, audible to the whole theater. Remarkable how this show is so red state and gay-friendly at the same time.

5:16 pm. Carrie's first song and... Schmaltz! Any thought that the audience would remain respectful of Bo and Carrie has died, and this is not a bad thing. Also steadicams are spooky as hell. They hover in the air, perfectly still, exactly like a solid object shouldn't, while the world moves around and about them in jittery realism. Two wander the stage area at all times. I am hypnotized and miss most of Carrie's song.

5:20 pm. Another commercial. Corey's in the audience asking children if they're from places. That man is a genius. A 10 year old boy from Jersey asks him for backstage passes, he's no fool. Another kid does homework for a living. They really do say the darndest things.

5:25 pm. My heart goes out to the string players in the backing band. I can't even hear the singing over audience screaming; the violins have no chance. I wonder how much people paid to come here to scream over 18 minutes of music while watching Bo and Carrie perform exclusively to the mosh pits and on-stage cameras. If one could figure out monies exchanged for tiny grains of music experienced, I'm sure that ratio would be... sad. Very, very sad.

5:28 pm. Corey's back. This is starting to feel like an evening with Corey. Though if it were billed that way, I doubt it would have quite the same draw.

5:33 pm. Carrie's singing again, and her jingoism leaves me empty. Apparently Simon agrees, as he gives round 2 to Bo.

5:40 pm. A flood of backup singers magically appear for Bo's last song. I've never been to a Neil Diamond concert, but I wonder if it would be like this. Does "I want to be inside your heaven" sound filthy to anybody else? All I can think of is DuJour's "Backdoor Lover" from Josie and the Pussycats.

5:44 pm. Can't hear Simon's analysis over a "You suck!" right behind me. The judges are pretty much completely overwhelmed by audience noise at this point.

5:47 pm. Is this the fifth commercial break? Sixth? Corey's energy is clearly flagging, and he's losing patience with 9 year olds. Is this how he lost the Disney World gig?

5:50 pm. Carrie's third (last) song, and she gets a magical flood of backup singers too. I'm completely ignoring her again. I think the song's about how if somebody could feel what she feels, they'd be the feelingest feelers... With angels and miracles too; she has a lot of bases covered. I'm ready for this to be over. Is it over yet? I've never been to a Celine Dion concert, but I'm starting to wonder if it would be like this.

5:53 pm. Simon is pushing Carrie as the winner -- so wholesome, so timeless... I don't see why he's still invested. At this point he's going to make truckloads of money off both of them regardless of who actually wins.

5:55 pm. Fascinating that the video recap at the end of the show includes the horrific losers who never should've auditioned in the first place. I wonder if that's a nod to the eliminated contestants, to say, "No matter what, you're better than them." Or maybe it's to remind people what they originally tuned in for, that delicious parade of self-delusion and ignorance.

6:05 pm. The Kodak Theater spits me out into the mall, and it's still sunny. Immediately there's a kiosk selling American Idol merchandise. Line the coffers, people. Beautiful.

6:45 pm. Waiting in the lobby of the hotel before dinner, a coworker points out two idol contestants, Nikko and Mikalah. [I think. I had to look them up later.] They're hanging out in the lobby. She looks tired, sitting on some lobby furniture, when a gaggle of 7 year old girls spot her and rush over. She's composed and kind, signing autographs and giving compliments ("Your nails are so pretty!") while dodging heads and limbs as the girls swoop in for hugs or just to touch her.

I realize that's a job I never, ever want. And I hope she likes it, because she brought it on herself.

Fall 2005

2005-06-17T02:45:00.000-07:00

What? Fall? Already? Here's the thing.

I haven't been getting overly excited about new movies lately. Sure, Batman Begins looks good, but it comes with its own limitations. (I'm a huge geek for comics, and I'll be the first to admit it. Look for lots of origin synopsis and a villain that craftily imperils Gotham City, ooo... Yes, of course I'll be there.) The only other summer movie that pops to mind in the must see category is The 40 Year-Old Virgin, because nothing Judd Apatow does could be bad. Plus Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, and Paul Rudd. I'm there too.

Still, nothing I expect to be overwhelmed by, nothing that would make me overly sad if I missed it in theaters, except...

Wow, does this look good. Go now and soak in the biggest trailer bandwidth allows, preferably 2 or 3 times. Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean made a movie. That means Dave McKean's art moves now.

Sweet.

And for anybody still wondering...

2005-06-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I can still produce bass clarinet multiphonics, and they still sound delightful.

I even found some new ones at a rehearsal last week, in the low part of the upper register. They sound weird and shiny; I am much pleased by them.

LRPP-I Complete, or: The Eagle Has Taken a Long Standardized Test

2005-06-12T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's good to have that finished.

Now I'm trying to reassert normality and get back to things I like doing -- spending time with the wife, playing clarinet, talking to friends, reading novels, (um, blogging?), etc. -- as well as things that have to get done now, mainly moving into a new apartment.

And while readjusting I find myself with a question: Where did all of that time come from?

I'll admit I lost my mind a bit, but I found a surprising amount of time to study. And it's not that I want to jettison my sanity again (or that the wife would let me), but I would like to hang on to some of that time and repurpose it in a way that continues to be edifying.

Because as much effort and insanity as test prep was, I liked it. It's a fun skill set to work at, plus I enjoyed the challenge of it, trying to fine tune thought processes and always working to think more rigorously, more quickly. Hopefully I can keep something along those lines going. For one thing it's a hell of a lot more interesting / challenging / rewarding than work.

Of course all of this assumes that I did well enough to not retake the long standardized test. I won't know for another 3 weeks or so. Here's hoping.

Is it just me, or...

2005-06-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

Do other people have anxiety dreams where they can't get multiphonics to sound on a bass clarinet?

Anybody? It is just me, isn't it?

Highly disturbing.