No, you're not. Now get over yourself. or: Dog is my copilot

It actually took a bit to explain to my normally tv-enthusiastic wife the particular joy that is MTV's Real World / Road Rules Challenge. I don't even track these things myself, but once I know one's on, I am so there.

And here's the allure. The thing that's been most true, most dependable about the Real World since it jumped the shark decades ago is the formula casting – people laden with emotional baggage chosen to generate conflict, drama, sexual tension, hilarity, and, well, more emotional baggage. (Note how hilarity follows sexual tension.)

Then MTV watches, observes them, sees how it all goes. Afterwards it invites the juiciest picks back for the Real World / Road Rules challenge, where the collection of wingnuts, bastards, bitches, innocents, asses, sluts, mimbos, and raging egoists is a choice concoction indeed.

And they're organized into teams. And they compete against each other for money, subtly sponsored prizes, and the love of their television audience.

Let deliciousness ensue.

The Tivo was instructed to seek out all episodes, and after watching just one or two the wife was obsessed with seeing the Inferno, and I was reduced to wandering the apartment just saying "The Inferno!" in a bad, faux-creepy UHF Saturday horror movie voice with little or no provocation.

It's great.

But here's the specific point I'm compelled to comment on.

We finally got to learn what the Inferno is and how the Lifeshield works in one very special episode where Mike was slated to go into the Inferno, earned the Lifeshield in a thrilling citrus-fruit-squeezing-on-stilts competition, and Jon after a minute and a half of soul-searching decided to throw himself on the grenade of the Lifeshield by volunteering to take Mike's place in the Inferno. Thus sacrificing himself... "like Jesus." Yes, like that Jesus.

(I realize that might be a big spoiler, but really, if you care you have to watch it anyway. "The Inferno II" is all about nuance.)

In case we missed it, the Jesus-inspired spirit of sacrifice was explained by Jon in a voiceover with footage of him walking the beach alone, reflectively, with his belief helpfully underscored by the "Jesus is life" t-shirt he was wearing. (Yup, a beach. Get it?)

Now I'm not saying that Jon isn't a stand-up kind of guy, because he seems like he is. And I'm sure Jesus's teachings have value to people. All I'm asking for is some sense of scale in our analogies. Surely we can see that there's a difference between stepping into a situation of over-dramatized fake television combat and being crucified. Crucifixion being widely regarded one of the most horrific, lingering deaths ever devised by man.

So surely crucifixion is worse by degrees than not being able to hug your teammates goodbye through the bars of the Inferno. In the Inferno you get a bungee cord of safety instead of having your flesh pierced.

Really, unless the Inferno event itself involves crucifixion, you're better off.

So please, take inspiration where you will and do the right thing, just do it without feeling compelled to compare yourself to your god. Because it's annoying.

Well… If you have to, please do it on television so I can laugh heartily. In person, it would be completely annoying.


Also, if you're asking yourself what would Jesus do – once you're already on a reality show – your methodology is clearly lagging several steps behind your actions.