Inner Discord

With "The Avengers" (official title, "Marvel's The Avengers," which yeah) opening next month, my inner teen is positively vibrating with excitement. And unfortunately my inner twentysomething Buffy/Angel fanatic is holding his hand, whispering, "Dude it's going to be wicked awesome."

The mid-80s issue of The Avengers where Captain America asks Namor to join the team was one of the first two comics I bought in my life, and let's just say that I stuck with them. For an embarrassingly long time. But getting over-excited for a superhero movie is a classic misstep. So you can see my dilemma.

My present day outer shell is trying to hold all this in check and not get too excited.


"AVENGERS!!! JOSS!!!"

"Guys, I know, but calm down. It's still a superhero movie."

"CAPTAIN AMERICA WAS GOOD! THOR WAS GOOD! IRON MAN WAS GOOD!"

"First of all, Thor was pretty good, if you overlook the fact that the plot boiled down to waiting for 2 hours for somebody to punch Thor really hard. And Iron Man was fun, but remember how we couldn't even trick ourselves into being interested in Iron Man 2?"

"CAPTAIN AMERICA WAS GOOD!"

"No, Captain America was awesome. But it was a fluke. Remember Spider-Man 3?"

"ANGRY JAZZ DANCING!?!?!?"

"Yeah, because how else would you know a superhero's gone bad if he doesn't do a dance routine really, really mad. It's way clearer than having him beat the snot out of somebody. And now we get a Spider-Man reboot? Oh look, it's Spider-Man's origin, like nobody knows how that story ends."

"BUT! JOSS!"

"I know. But this isn't Joss with nobody's looking creative freedom. This is Joss with a huge budget and who knows how many marketers and accounting types standing in a circle around him with sharp instruments and stabby gleams in their eyes."

"... YOU BETTER NOT BE SETTING US UP TO LET YOUR DECISION TO HAVE A CHILD GET IN OUR WAY! WE ARE SEEING THIS MOVIE IF WE HAVE TO LEAVE THE KID IN THE CAR!"

"You don't get to make that decision. And yes, this is sitter-worthy. I get that."

"WE MISSED GREEN LANTERN!"

"By all accounts, Green Lantern sucked."

"BUT STILL!"

"And besides, if this is good, we'll all be excited to watch and share it with the kid when he's old enough. You know that. Like with the new Star Trek movie, we might have something great to to nerd bond over."

"STAR TREK!!! DVD!!! NOW!!!"

"We're at work."

"..."

"Guys?"

"AAAAVVVVEEEENGERS!!! JOOOOSSSSS!!!"

"I KNOW, RIGHT?"


It's not going so well.


"THOR IS JAMES T. KIRK'S DAD!"

3 Syndromes of Spider-Man 3

Sorry if there are spoilers here, if you're sensitive to that kind of thing.

Death of Superman/Doomsday Syndrome -- (from comics) Need a specific villain in a hurry? Have one pop out of the Earth or fall from the sky. 20 feet away, say, in a park. Explanations are for tossers.

Superman III Syndrome -- (from the movie, comics versions are too numerous to mention) Irrational belief that any plot where the good guy goes evil is self-justifying. (Questionable at best.)

Batman & Robin Syndrome -- (from the movie) In place of a coherent plot, fill the movie with bad guys, good guys, minor players, any characters that come from the comics you can find a place for; more can only be better. (There are two corollaries: (a) If the costume has plastic exterior nipples, leave. Leave now. And (b) any Joel Schumacher movie is near-guaranteed to suck.)


Spider-Man 3 has an off-chance of inspiring its own syndrome, one where the good guy goes bad plot culminates with vengeful jazz dancing, but applications appear limited.